Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Auriela McCarthy

Excerpts from must read book of Healing and Transcendence, for all those who are in relationship.

“Nothing changes, until you do.” Lazaris Simple on the surface, this truth – miles deep and anything but simple – is one more thing, that has led me to the writing of this book.

“More tears are shed over answered prayers than over unanswered ones” -
Truman Capote

Once you’ve let go, the Power of Possible floods your consciousness, and everything changes.

Trying to change another person is a hopeless and pointless task. It does not work, it can’t. And it never will.

The colored prism of your control will be distorting your view and blocking out everything that is real.

This choice is our right to choose for ourselves wether to improve or to diminish our lives.

When we accept the fact that a person is the way he or she is, and there is nothing we can do to change this, when we stop imposing our choices for them upon them – the energy field of resistance between us disappears.

It does not mean we have to suddenly agree with the way they are. It simply means we let go of trying to have them be different.

By setting free the one you have been trying to change, you successfully free yourself.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free. And then to discover that the prisoner –
was you.

Remove the need to have the person be different. Accept them the way they are. It does not have to be perfect, it does not have to be hundred percent. Do the best you can. Accept them the way they are. Hold the hope, hold the light of love for them, but do it from a neutral place. Honor them in this way. Respect their freedom of choice. Allow them just ‘to be’

I said to the almond tree, “ Friend, speak to me of God” And the almond tree blossomed
Nikos Kazantzakis.

What happens between two people belongs to with the two of them. No one looking from outside can ever assess, the immeasurable number of nuances, that play in the relationship of others. No one should ever try. Not friends, not strangers, often – not even therapists.

The process of Healing has four phases :

Yes we carry the ones we won’t forgive on our backs, wheter we know it or not. And only forgiveness will bring and end to it.

Often it is not so much what happened to them, but how they dealt with it. Some are better equipped to deal with pain than others.

Forgiveness is a state of grace. Certain misconceptions about forgiveness make it harder to understand it. The only reason to forgive is to set yourself free of your past, so you can step into the myriad of available futures that you can’t see through the eyes of pain. Forgiveness swings open the door of the Power of the Possible and delivers you to the other side.

And if one crow is white then not all crows are black.

At the root of cancer lies anger. Old, petrified, unexpressed, and now deadly. It is the nager that we are sure is too late to do anything about.

“Wisdom is learning what to overlook “ wrote William James
Wisdom is also knowing when to overlook it.

Mortal sins are most serious grievous crimes. Where as venial sins are minor offenses, easy to negotiate and overlook.

Give and take does not exist in a good relationship. Only ‘give and give’ does.
You give one hundred percent and you take zero. Similarly your loved one gives hundred percent and takes zero. Everyone gives and no one takes. The thought “I am getting enough ?’ never enters your mind. You never check the ledger book to see if you are receiving – you know you are. It is woven into the very fabric of your relationship.
Because my greatest joy is your happiness.

That is not a sacrifice. Be very clear, not when it is choice, not when it is a preference. Not when the thing that makes me the happiest is your smile – the knowing that I have been able to give you that.

A fantasy ? Hardly, it is what happens in every successful relationship.

Synergy means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which means that when we come together, we create a separate entity – our relationship – which is far more, in every way , than what each one of us brings to it combined.

Let us look at the four principles of synergy developed by David Berenson, and check them against the relationships you are in.

1. Everyone does his or her part, while taking responsibility for the whole.
2. Everyone does what he like to do.
3. Every one does what he does well.
4. Each person puts the relationship first.
The fourth principle is the most important in this context of relationship.

In a personal one to one relationship, it is the ‘us’ that has to come first.

Whenever there are two different people, there will be times when they will disagree and fight. That’s normal. That’s natural. If that does not happen , then one or the other is selling out. But we both know because it’s something we’ve agreed upon before – we will stay with the fight until we find a solution We won’t go to sleep angry, no matter how late it is , no matter how tempting it is just to roll over and stop talking. And no one will leave the house. No one will slam the door and walk off.

The agreement is to make sure we make up and not let resentment settle in - that is real bad. We won’t drop the subject in resignation. This can never work. No, we will talk until we are both okay. Because we know are relationship always comes first. Not the job, not the career, not even children, not me, not you – but yes ‘us’ comes first.

POLITE in a relationship means we are avoiding stepping on land mines. “Polite’ means we are trying very hard to show how isolated we feel. ‘Polite’ is I have swallowed my anger and rage, and I will not talk to you about what is wrong with us, because I have given up.

This is what happens to couples when resentment and resignation takes root. Polite is the child of their resentment. Beware of your resentments. Like tiny toxic seeds, if left alone, they will sink deep down and will begin their destructive work. They will color your thoughts and feelings, shape your responses, affecting everything you do. And they will grow in size, expand, multiply and soon enough the bigger picture will be blurred, and all you will be able to see is how misunderstood you have been, how unappreciated, and how badly you want to punish this one most important person in your life.

The one who used to be everything suddenly must be hurt, attacked, destroyed , because ‘you are right. Damn it !!’ (or so says your ego asit goes thrashing about, smashing everything that is sacred)

When things go wrong, when you are in the midst of a bad fight, when seized by the desire to punish and blinded by your need to prove that you are right – STOP ! Just make yourself stop. It is not easy, but it is possible.

Take a deep breath. Don’t crush and destroy. Don’t say the things you will certainly regret.

In the midst of all this raw energy, make yourself remember something.
Remember the Love - yes remember the LOVE.

We know relationship is a choice to Love, made every day, consciously.

NEGATIVE EGO : There is a voice inside our heads, and it never tells us the truth. It plays the same old tapes again and again. Every time we allow it to speak, it lies to us. Every time we listen and obey it, it brings destruction, suffering and pain. It is not overly intelligent. Quite the opposite. Our negative ego is dumb. Dumb but cunning, and therefore dangerous. And it is masquerading as our best friend.

It may take our ego a minute to destroy, what has taken a lifetime to create.

No wonder we have difficulties with love. These chains of pain span generations.


To be loving is to love the person the way they want us to be loved; not the way we want to love the and not the way we think they should be loved.

If you love me, you rejoice in the quirks of my individuality. You rejoice in my freedom and I know you see me, you are here, you understand. What makes me unique , is what makes your heart leap for joy. You do not try to change me into somebody else, to fill your expectation. Your love gives me permission to make mistakes. It does not judge me, and it does not lie to me either. I feel safe with you, and I learn to trust you. I open my heart to you and I show you myself.

I look into your eyes and I get lost. I don’t want to return. I can live there for ever. Your eyes – pools of love, and they caress me. They know me with all my foibles and weaknesses. And they tell me it is okay. I am wonderful the way I am . I do not need to change for you.

Now see the MAGIC

But I want to. I want to grow . I want to heal myself so I can giv you my best self. Because your love has lifted me higher than I’ve ever been . It has shown me myself, the way I never knew myself. Myself, my gift. I want to polish it, make it more, for you, for me, for us.

Soul mates are made, not met. Lazaris.

Isn’t it time to live your own life, and not the one others expect you to live ?

Stop looking for the right wrappings. Pretty or not – they really do not matter. The wrappings are just that – something to look at , and then – discard. It is the gift inside them that counts.

“It is not the person that we are with , It’s who we are when we are with the person”

It is up to us to make love work. To say “ It will work because, we will make it work”
To make this choice. And then to live by it.

It is in love’s mystery that we find the magic. It can be touched, but never fully covered. Alluring, enthralling, captivating…… it beckons us, promising untold riches. Frightening us with its immensity of power. To give one person the power to be your whole world.

The power of the subconscious mind is that immense. And its job is quite simple –to record and remember everything and to maintain consistency at all cost. The sub conscious mnd does not evaluate or judge.

We are not here on earth to be understood. We are here to be understanding. To be loving to others, to be kind and to be understanding. To be compassionate of heart and generous of spirit.

If ever you are compelled to seek advice, turn to the person whose relationship works !
Isn’t it simply common sense.

If you want to be full, let yourself be empty
If you want to be reborn, let yourself die
If you want to be given everything – give everything up.

Resignation on the other hand, is rooted in feeling sorry for oneself. We use self pity as a balm, a numbing device to ‘protect’ ourselves from feeling real feelings.

No healing is possible without forgiveness of the self. And to forgive yourself, you must first feel remorse. You must first own what you have done and genuinely regret it.

without communication, honest, direct and with no agendas, a relationship does not have a chance. Talking from the heart can only be possible, if the heart is open. So if you’ve closed your heart to the one you love because you are hurt or filled with anger, do not attempt to talk to him or her, until you are open once more or you will end up making the situation worse.

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